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Posts tagged ‘fear of intimacy’

Is Faking It Ever Wise?

A group of lady friends and I were discussing the good, the bad, and the ugly of faking orgasms recently. Let’s face it, as a woman, you’ve faked it at least once in your life. According to a study done by Temple University (May 2011) 60% of women reported faking an orgasm during intercourse or oral sex. With 25% of men surveyed reporting the same.

The main question is: WHY???

According to the study: many of these women said they faked it due to their own fear of intimacy; they also reported faking orgasm because they felt insecure about their sexual functioning, or because they want to get it over with.

I have to admit that “fear of intimacy” was never a cause I had considered. But, as soon as I read the statement, I flashed back to one of my relationships. I was dating an older gentleman who had some issues with having sex outside of wedlock. I was all, “Let Luna help you with that.” We were together for a couple of months. Had lots of sex. I was satisfied (repeatedly,) but he was unable to reach climax. Finally, when he was comfortable enough to actually have an orgasm, we broke up. One orgasm and he was out the door. The intimacy level was too much for him.

Sure, there was no faking involved in that particular relationship, but I can understand how trusting someone enough to let go of all your inhibitions could be an issue.

I totally understand the “felt insecure about their sexual functioning.” Not now, of course. I’m completely secure with my sexuality, but it took a while for me to get to this enlightened point in my life. The first time someone goes down on you is amazing and damn scary. I was fraught with uncertainty. Where on earth should I put my hands? Now, I dig them into the person’s hair and hold on for dear life.

The first time, I freaked. I moaned when I thought it was appropriate, wiggled about and bucked every once in a while, but I had no idea how long it was supposed to take. 10 minutes? 30 minutes? Isn’t his tongue getting tired? I totally faked it. Faked it for a few months. Why? Because I was insecure about my sexual functioning.

How did I deal with it? I told the guy.

His reaction? Disappointment. He really wanted me to enjoy the entire experience.

It wasn’t like I said, “So, babe, you really suck at the whole oral thing. Do you mind taking some lessons and improving the tongue action?” No, I very calmly and politely told him my situation and he said, “I wish you would’ve told me sooner. Let’s figure out what’s going on here.”

Needless to say, we figured it out.

Now, I know what I want and what I need and I’m not afraid to tell/show a new lover what pleases me.

“Get it over with.” This one I totally understand. Recently, I was talking with a friend and mentioned that I’ve had sex with a man simply  because it was easier than saying “no.” You know what I mean. Your lover is in the mood and you’ve had that 3rd glass of wine. Your bones are liquid and all you want to do is go to sleep and your lover gets frisky. Is it worth an argument or hurting your lover’s feelings because you’re shitfaced? No. You go for it.

Your lover is getting close. Once you finally get feeling back into your nether regions, it’s still going to take a lot more action and attention that you’re willing to deal with so, “Oh. My. God! Yeah, baby. Uh, huh. That’s goooood! Give it to me.”

Then, you can roll over and go to sleep.

Sure, those are reasons folks fake orgasms. What effect does it have on you? What effect does it have on your lover? What happens to your relationship?

There are some real drawbacks to faking it. First and foremost is it’s a lie. If you’re screwing some dude you met at a bar, then fake all you want. If you’re faking it with someone you love, think before you scream “You stud!”

After faking it for a while, you’re going to eventually want to have a full-blown, knock-your-socks-off, toe curling orgasm. How do you tell your lover of six months that you’ve been faking it all along?

Most of the time, women fake it so their lovers don’t feel inadequate. Guess what? Finding out you’ve been faking is going to really hurt your lover’s feelings. Deep cuts. Painful wounds that can lead to questions such as: If she’s lying about orgasms, what else is she lying about?

Keep in mind that faking orgasms is a lot of work. Good grief! Not only are you going to get tired of acting like you’re having a great time, eventually, you’re going to resent the hell out of it. You’re going to hate sex.

Not good foundations for a relationship.

Are there times that faking is okay? Sure.

Should you fake it all the time? Absolutely not!

The most important thing is to remember that YOU deserve to be satisfied just as much as your partner does AND your partner deserves to know the truth.

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